HDIEUMDBTSB Chapter 63: Depression and the Suicide Note

 Volume Two: The Road to Gaining Fans

Chapter Thirteen: Depression and the Suicide Note

Chu Zhi's study perfectly fit the definition of a study, with lots of books. The small study, about fifty square meters, had three walls lined with towering bookshelves, estimated to hold over two thousand books.

"Where should we start looking?" Pang Pu asked.

The cameraman, Jelly, cleverly panned the camera around, and based on the comments in the live chat, they began by looking at several books piled nearby: "Circular Hole," "Shimmering Black and White," "Poetry Collection by Li Si," "Selected Poetry Collection by Pang Derus," and so on. All of these were famous poetry collections from the parallel world, works that Earth didn't have. Chu Zhi was subtly laying the groundwork.

"Does Mr. Chu really like poetry? He even made notes," Pang Pu flipped through.

"Just some random thoughts after reading a poem, nothing valuable," Chu Zhi explained.

Next, as Pang Pu searched, they found many things deliberately left by Chu Zhi, like newspaper clippings. The original owner had a habit of cutting out criticism from newspapers and pasting them into a diary, intending to correct them someday, although most remained uncorrected. Chu Zhi couldn't help but admire the original owner's behavior; if it were him, he wouldn't even bother to read the criticism. The original owner also had the intention to improve.

As he answered Pang Pu's questions, Chu Zhi couldn't help but lament his own kindness. Originally, there were photos of his grandfather and family photos with his parents in the study, which could have been used to garner sympathy, but he had put them away in advance.

Why wasn't there a fan-favorite segment? Pang Pu wondered. But then he realized, with all that had transpired in the rehearsal room, perhaps there was no need for it.

"Jiuge loves studying, loves poetry, loves life," "Can we take a look at the cabinet under Juzi's desk? Can't just look at the drawers," "Where's the fan mail segment?" "Jiuge is the best!"...

The barrage of comments was diverse.

No one noticed that Wei Tongzi's expression was somewhat serious. She wanted to find traces of her idol's depression. After careful consideration that morning, she realized that her idol might not want people to know, but the hardships he endured must be made known to all the little oranges. The best Jiuge would be guarded by us little oranges, Wei Tongzi resolved in her heart.

"Hmm? What's that pile up there?" Wei Tongzi's gaze was fixed on the upper corner of the bookshelf, where there was a box about the size of a basketball, partially obscured by books.

She fetched a stool and took the small box down, accidentally knocking over two books in the process, making a "thud-thud" noise as they hit the ground.

Seeing this, Pang Pu immediately said, "Tongtong, even in front of the camera, especially in front of your idol, you should be more gentle. Did Mr. Chu take out all his childhood toys for the program?"

As he spoke, Pang Pu subtly observed Chu Zhi. If he showed any discomfort, Pang Pu would quickly change the subject, lest they hit a nerve.

Before enjoying the chrysanthemum and wolfberry tea, Pang Pu would have been afraid of things not going well, but now, without even realizing it, he instinctively defended the guest, not out of consideration for the program's perspective.

"Let's explore this treasure," Wei Tongzi replied. "Are these toys?"

After confirming that the guest's expression hadn't changed much, Pang Pu signaled Jelly to film.

"There's nothing much, probably other songs that were written but didn't quite fit into this album," Chu Zhi explained.

Wei Tongzi pulled out the sheets and looked at them. The first one was normal, a song called "The Light in Life," a warm love song: "[You're a light shining in my world, running towards me, everything grows...]" 

But the key was the name of the second song, "You're Not Truly Happy." Wei Tongzi couldn't read sheet music, but she could read the lyrics. There was a section of lyrics that she couldn't help but read aloud: "You're not truly happy, your smile is just a protective cover you wear, you've decided not to hate, not to love anymore, you've locked your soul away, in eternity, in a sealed body..."

The lyrics made Wei Tongzi's heart ache. So, the gentle smile often seen on his lips was just a facade? Pang Pu, being male, had a different thought process. His initial reaction was that the lyrics were well-written, and he wondered why they weren't used in the new album. Was it because they didn't fit the album's theme?

Wei Tongzi looked up and saw Chu Zhi about to say something. The next item was a document, a medical record, a diagnostic report from the Shanghai Mental Health Center. A very ominous feeling instantly enveloped her.

[Name: Chu Zhi.

Department: Psychological Counseling and Treatment Outpatient, Outpatient No.: 154278454.

Gender: Male.

Age: 22 years old.

Occupation: Other.

Marital Status: Unmarried.

Date: 2019-8-15, 13:16.

...

Chief Complaint: Headaches, auditory and visual hallucinations, insomnia with persistent nightmares, severe depressive mood with strong suicidal ideation.

Self-Rating Depression Scale (SDS) Assessment Result: Severe depressive symptoms.

Self-Rating Anxiety Scale (SAS) Assessment Result: Moderate anxiety symptoms.

Physical Examination: Bruises on hands and legs.

Mental Examination: Consciousness clear, strong hallucinations, normal conversation, slow speech, slow thinking, weak will to live, partial lack of insight.

Diagnosis: Severe depressive state, moderate anxiety disorder.

Treatment Recommendations:

1. Weekly follow-up for psychological treatment, communicate more with friends, maintain a positive attitude.

2. Oral administration of 15mg mirtazapine tablets twice a day, oral administration of 2mg alprazolam tablets every evening, oral administration of 20mg duloxetine hydrochloride enteric-coated capsules at noon and night.

3. Regulate daily routines and diet, regularly check blood concentration, routine examinations such as blood routine, liver function, and electrocardiogram after taking medication.

4. If there are any discomforts, seek medical attention promptly and have regular follow-up appointments.]

Below is the physician's signature and the hospital's official seal.

But it wasn't over yet. Below the medical record was a letter, with very few words written on it—just two lines:

[I'm sorry, I feel like I can't go on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I wasn't kept, I didn't have a secret marriage, please believe me, please.]

With the symptoms in the medical record and the remaining medication in the small box, there was no need to say what this letter was.

It was a suicide note.

These two heavy words weighed heavily on everyone's minds. Wei Tongzi and Jelly temporarily lost their ability to think, and even the well-informed Pang Pu was momentarily speechless.

The barrage of comments in the live chat room dwindled significantly because, whether it was the medical record or the suicide note, they were both clearly displayed to the viewers by the camera, leaving both fans and bystanders overwhelmed by a sense of immense oppression.


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